Except to say. I'm pretty certain this will not be its final draft. But I'm also pretty certain its final draft won't come anytime soon. Its roots are too many, I'm too attached to its petals, and its metaphors got mixed up and missed the boat.
Feel free to comment.
Feel free to suggest titles, too -- I'm leaning toward "Upon imagining several lived moments, and others."
4 comments:
this is lovely. very different from how i expected it to play out. but lovely nonetheless.
my favorite parts are the beginning and, of course, the ending. for different reasons, but you get the idea.
i wish i had a title suggestion for you. i don't prefer the title you have already come up with. but then again, i don't have anything better, so what do i know? :)
across and down
after reading this over a bunch of times... it's interesting that she doesn't take well to 'you' correcting the crossword... but 'you're' okie-dokie with her full body cleansing after morning sex in which kissing is avoided. her action speaks disgust (even if it is customary), 'yours' speaks a meticulous nature.
it's disappointing to read "big squishy" after slow-bodied, dream-scaped"
"that's how it plays... pasts" works nicely with the form of the poem
one thing you should know:
most girls don't brush their hair after showering, they comb it. because brushing your hair will pull it all out, and combing (with a wide-toothed comb) just detangles. when was the last time you read cosmo?! (then again, she could not like her hair) :)
also: why does your father see otherwise naked women in your robe? or is this something he says about robes in general?
"there's a picture..." while interesting and beautifully crafted, i'm not sure this fits here. it's nice that there's a break of sorts between the previous stanza and the one following (it forces the reader not to get into too much a groove, and prevents the poem from becoming too common)... but i'm not sure this quite works here.
i like the next two lines.
also, "complete together, if unfinished"
what she says in the end is interesting because as much as the actions throughout the poem are intimate, the feelings/words behind them are not. i feel that if you're emotionally attached to someone or thing that person or thing should be able to make you feel. the line (with my own little reading...how could i write about it without my own interpretation?) says that despite the otherwise apathetic feelings, he still can affect her. she cares about him.
-h.d. dock
p.s. i do like the poem, and it could stand on it's own now... though i think it could use a bit of smoothing out.
i always like your titles better than my own. so it'd do us both better if i didn't suggest one
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