Too weak for Tivo.

Tivo should be a life-altering acquisition (ok, so I don't have Tivo...I have a DVR from Comcast...but DVR is an awful all-purpose word, whereas Tivo makes a wonderful noun and verb). Anyway. Life-altering, Tivo should be. Because it should free us from the schedules set up for us by corporate executives at the "Big 4" networks (FOX gets included now, right? I think so...though I'm not positive it gets caps-locked -- another good verb). Because now we can watch whatever we want whenever we want with just a few simple clicks on a remote control. And yes, all you naysayers out there will say, "But you could always do that. Ever heard of a VCR? Welcome to...whenever the hell VCRs came out."

Ok. First of all. VCR -- much like DVR -- makes an awful verb. Should have seen the demise of that machine from the beginning. Interesting sidenote: Beta -- much like Tivo -- would have made a much better all-purpose word. So perhaps Tivo will indeed, as the pundits and such have been saying for a year or two now, go the way of the dodo bird. If so, I only hope the name for the ill-fated machine remains in the common lexicon this time. Anyway.

Second. None of you people ever actually regularly recorded a tv show using a VCR. The only person I've ever known to do this consistently is my sister, who has stacks of video tapes somewhere that house a decade's worth of General Hospital. (Sorry if this outs you to anyone, sis.) Each morning before school she diligently made sure the tape was cued to the proper place and the program timer was set (two minutes before the scheduled start and two minutes after, to account for any errors in the tv's internal clock, and SLP mode, to allow for the least tape-consuming and shittiest recording possible -- fitting, actually, for this particular program).

Anyway. None of you ever did that. Only her. And even if you did, you know what a huge hassle it was. Tivo frees you from all that, sis. And to the rest of you, you can now avoid both the corporate programmers' schedules and the pain of forgetting to record the final episode of Friends where everyone realizes that Joey cannot possibly have actually gotten stupider over the course of ten years and they all sit down and cry because their crappy primetime paycheck has come to an overdue end. Who would want to miss that? Now you don't have to! Tivo to the rescue! With its wildly amazing "create a series recording" feature.

That, and the ability to pause and rewind and rewatch Janet Jackson's star-gilded right breast as many times as your nasty little heart desires.

It should be life-altering. In a good way. Freedom. Self-programming. What you want when you want it.

But in my experience, it's been more like: more than I've ever wanted, all the time. No. Wait. That still sounds good. Try again: a repulsive amount of crappy tv that I've never before felt compelled to watch and now can't seem to stop watching...like heroin after you've decided you want to quit, but can't quite bring yourself to get off the couch, undo that dirty yellow hose (why are these things always that dirty yellow color?) from your bicep, and walk down to the local methodone clinic. Yeah. That's more like it. They've made it too easy. I'm weak. My will to work cannot sustain itself in the face of this monster.

I should go read. But the Gilmore Girls are calling to me from 4pm yesterday. I could watch them whenever I want. But I will watch them now. As it records today's episode. So I don't fall behind.